Well, the day didn't get any better. Shortly after my first journal entry I went home and talked to Brica over lunch time. She tells me that she is definitely not coming to Champaign to see me, meaning that the relationship is over. We talked on the phone for about an hour going over things again and again, but the end result was the same. I didn't know whether I should build the relationship up any more, because I was only hurting myself. She had already made her decision. She thinks that things are not going to get better, so she wants out. She tried to say that it has nothing to do with this guy or this job in Oregon, but I don't know.
Anyway, so I feel like crap. I have a feeling deep down that she is right about our relationship not working out. We had our troubles and arguments. I just thought that we were a close enough match to make it work. Plus we have been together so long, that I don't want to throw it away and start over at the beginning. She evidently disagrees.
I don't even know what stage of the recovery process I am in now. There is still some denial. There was a lot of blame going on on the phone. There is some anger too. All I know is that I was basically just floating through the day today. I had to go to class, but I wasn't there. I didn't eat much because I didn't feel like it would stay down. I finally took a decent nap in the evening, but I didn't feel any relief or comfort when I woke up. I hope this doesn't go on long.
It seems to me that long term relationships become equal to family relationships. Both relationships offer unconditional love, loyalty, a shoulder to cry on, etc. If a couple marries, then they start a family which takes precedence over their original families. However, when the long-term intimate relationship ends, the only people who are around are family. Like anyone in love, I have spent a lot of time with Brica and ignored other friends some. Now that she is gone, I wonder what was more important.
I realize that I am not being too clear here, but what I am trying to say is I still have my family. I have made plans to go mountain biking on Saturday with my brother. Then we are going to the Illinois football game with dad (I don't like football much, but it is Dad's day). I will be okay.
But before that, I have made plans to go visit Brica on Friday. Despite the fact that we have traveled around the world, written numerous letters, met lots of people, and broken up in the last five months, we have not seen each other once. It would have been much better to meet her again under the original circumstances, but I guess as an old friend, I can drive to St. Louis to see her. I think it will be hard for me, but life isn't supposed to be easy. Things like these make people stronger, and make journals more interesting. Till next time...